The year is not over yet, I know. But I'm in full on reflection mode and I'll probably write more on the year over the next two weeks...so bear with me.
This year was one mainly of four "R" words:
Reading (90 plus books)
Running (114 miles a/o 12/24)
'Riting (Just roll with it... ;) lots of essays, five short stories, and an honorable mention in an international contest)
Retching (pregnancy was hard on my 37 year old body but baby boy is six weeks old today and healthy; what joy to hold him!)
Stats are so fun and I'm really glad I kept track of these numbers. It was a good year.
My word for the year was OPENHEARTED and it feels like I dug in with friendships and in my marriage. The fruit of that remains to be seen but I have felt a beautiful closeness of community especially this fall. Last Thursday Dale and I went on a date and we were as giddy as two teenagers. Dating gets sweeter as you go along.
One top lesson was that feeling unlovely does not make one unloveable.
Somewhere I picked up that if I wasn't presentable (at least) or (better) cute - I wasn't worth anything. It sounds terribly harsh in black and white but I believed that lie deep down. It was hidden under lots of statements like "It doesn't matter what I look like, I'll be me." Oh the effort.
Near the end of my pregnancy I felt so unlovely there was a palpable shame in my senses - I could taste it. What freedom to see this in myself and then turn it on its head as deceit. (A BIG thank you to Margaret and Wendy for talking me through this.)
It's also two-faced.
I don't hold anyone else to that standard, why should I attempt to meet it?
Unlovely does not equal unloveable.
Also, feeling ashamed of myself was terribly isolating. Just when I needed friends and their warm acceptance and love, I pushed them away thinking they would be ashamed and horrified of me, too.
Oh the web of silly but painful things we tell ourselves. I'm glad to hold on to this lesson learned.
Looking forward to 2020, I'm hoping for more reading, writing, running, not as much retching, and growth.
How about you? What are some hopes you hold in your heart?
If you want some help in reflection over the year might I offer the Art of Simple's 20 Questions? I've used it for seven years and it is fantastic!